Sending a Four Page Letter to Myself
Before I tell you what happened, I want to back track a little to New Year's Eve. I decided to bring in 2018 with a sober mind and sober heart. Something in me told me that it was how I needed to walk into another year of life. During the evening one of my friend's walked up to me and asked me a question that threw me somewhat off gaurd.
B, do you know why I like you?
How do you answer that without sounding anything other than headass? If you have any tips please let me know. I sat there and looked at him for maybe 30 seconds before I said, "I don't know. You think I'm funny?"
After a slight chuckle he said yes but that's not the reason he liked me.
I like you because you are who you are. And you don't shy away from that. You are real
Woo! Sounds good. It's about to be a good night until he says this:
But you also make me upset at the time time. I see the potential in you that I don't think you see in yourself. It's kind of annoying to know you aren't living up to what others know you are capable of.
There have been very few moments that I am just absolutely speechless and this is one of them. I sat back and looked at his man, my friend, a person I respected, and slightly wanted to flick him in his forehead but I just took it on the chin. I left it there that night or so I thought.
Fast forward to a few nights ago I had a dream that revisted this same thing. It was myself now at this age, speaking to my younger self. I was yelling at me saying how much further I could of been in life, more successful, more everything had I settled down and focused on what's important. For most of us I feel that would be a message we could tell to our 22 or 23 year old self but right here is where things got a little wild. My older self, maybe in my mid-to-late 40s walked in and told me it was hypocritical for me to say that as I am not doing everything I can now to make sure that I am where I need to be.
One word: shook
I was so shaken that I sat straight up out of my sleep at 4:12 AM and started in the dark for a few hours. It was like seeing a real life documentary of your life happen before your eyes but in real time. (Think Netflix level; not Lifetime or BET). Because we are friends here, I feel like I can be real and say that it threw my entire day off. I didn't eat. Missed the gym. Slow going to work. I ended up having dinner with another friend that night and told him about my dream.
That's not even my dream and you telling me about it has me feeling some type of way for you.
That gave me further clarification that I might just be crazy. You might be reading this thinking I am being dramatic and it's really not that deep but for some reason for me it was. I found myself later that night on my floor contemplating everything from when I lost the Knowledge Bowl in fifth grade to not running a meeting as smooth as it should have that morning. I started thinking about every single thing I have done wrong in life and opened flood gates I wasn't prepared to deal with.
I did the only thing I know how to do that wasn't eat or sleep it away but pray about it. Ask for guidance because this was a situation that I could not solve on my own.
The next day I sat down and wrote out what things would I tell my younger self that my older self would want to tell me right now, and this is what I came up with:
1. Love yourself enough to know when things aren't good for you. People, situations, places. Be forgiving, but be smart about it. Self-care should be on you priority list at all times.
2. FOCUS. Don't let the fear of missing out knock you off what you need to be doing. It's ok to sit down somewhere.
3. Stop trying to be perfect. You aren't, and can never be that. You don't have to have all the knoweldge or every skill. Find what you are good at and stay there. It's also ok to ask for help. Pride is one hell of a drug.
4. Be responsible. Physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, and spiritually.
5. You can have an "and". Soft and hard. Introverted and extroverted. Cold and warm. You can be many things. You don't have to be just one way to apease others based off what you think they want from you.
Since then I haven't had any dreams of that depth, but I still remember what happend vividly. I feel as though that was a wake up call for me in some strange fashion. A reminder to do what I need to daily. The past is where it's at and so is the future but what I have at this moment is the most important. The now
If you are reading this right now (thanks by the way) I encourage you to live in your now. Your past has shaped who you are at this time and you are currently shaping who you will be eventually be, however only one carries the most importance.
"Live for today, plan for tomorrow, party tonight, party tonight" - Drake